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TheSyx


It's pronounced "The Six"

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            I suppose I owe you all an explanation for the way I’ve been acting for the past half year.  I know I haven’t been always what I should have been, and I haven’t acted the way all of you would want.

            As you know, it all started just over six months ago, when I fell in love with and got in a relationship with someone I had never met who lived over two thousand miles away.  For the sake of privacy, I shall call her “Lily”, though if you know me, you know her real name.  Anyway, it was one of the most meaningful experiences of my life.  However, I just couldn’t handle the distance anymore, not without being able to see her, so we broke up.  One thing I will never say is that my relationship with Lily was a mistake.  I’ve never loved anyone more in my life.  But when you can’t take it anymore, it’s time to get out.

            Though our relationship was amazing and beautiful, it began to have a negative effect on me.  I began neglecting my schoolwork and, even worse, neglecting my friends.  I am not sure that I was as bad as many of you made me out to be, and I don’t believe that the way you all acted about my relationship had nothing to do with it, I can admit that I was not giving you the time and effort you all deserve.  And for that, I am sorry.

            As the relationship progressed, I began to go slightly insane.  As much as it pains me to say it, I started projecting Lily on all of you.  I began to touch my female friends more, and every time I would, I would wish with every ounce of my power that it was Lily I was touching, and not one of you.  I think that some of you realized this, as I received fewer and fewer hugs back, and most of the hugs I received were only one-armed hugs, the worst kind.

            This uncomfortable feeling I noticed my friends having had the worst effect on the girl that introduced Lily and I over the internet.  This girl, who I shall call “Meri”, was my best friend in the entire world before I got into the relationship.  She was like a sister to me.  However, Meri began talking to me less and less as time went on, and she seemed more and more uneasy around me.  One day, I just couldn’t take it anymore, and I sent her an angry email, telling her she was no longer my sister, no longer my friend.  To say the least, this was a rash, unprovoked gesture at a time in her life when what she needed was a friend who could help her through a tough moment.  I regret this most severely, and all the time I wish I could take it back.  Meri hardly talks to me anymore, and I think she doesn’t ever want to be my friend again.

            This relationship was anything but a mistake.  I do not for a moment regret loving Lily, and I don’t ever think I shall.  However, the way I acted through it cost me my best friend and the trust and ease of many others.  I apologize to you all.  I do hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

            And Meri?  If you can find it in your heart, let’s work things out.  We may not ever be as good of friends as we were, but at least we can be friends again.

 

Current Mood:
cold Regretting
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Well, it's decided.

I'm no longer gonna be angsty and emo about what happened with Krystle.  She's forgiven me, and so I've forgiven myself.

I actually discovered this a couple days ago, with her help, but I only just got around to writing about it.

I'm done feeling huge waves of guilt.

I'm now able to read the things she's written about me agian.

I talk about things we used to talk about without feeling regret.

and you know what?  LIFE IS GOOD.

Current Music:
Stolen Moments - Booker Ervin
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It's been a long December.
And there's reason to believe
maybe this year will be better than the last.

I mean, It hasn't been a bad year, by any means.

I got a new best friend, had a blast in Dallas, told people how I felt about them, saw Toronto again, saw my favorite band live, and found someone who truly loves me as much as I love them.

But it's just been a long December.

The only snow was in the beginning of the month, and with the sun going down sooner, that always depresses me.  Not to mention the way I hurt Krystle.  I feel just awful about that.  I'm so glad she took me back, but still, things just aren't quite the same.  I hurt her, and no matter what some may think, hurting someone is a terrible feeling.

Christmas was great, though, and I can't really complain about New Year's Eve.

I guess I just wish there were snow.

Current Mood:
blah blah
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I know at least one of you think this was a good idea.  My mom does too.

But seriously, I don't.

What did I think I could possibly gain from this?

What reason did I have for this?  When I look back on it, I had no reasons for breaking up with her.

No.  I need her back.

I was a fool.  An idiot.

I think one of the reasons was so I could date other girls.  pheh.  That's nothing.  That would just make for a more awkward situation.

God, I hope she's not too badly hurt.  I never wanted to hurt her.  Which sounds untruthful, because you can't break up with someone who loves you without hurting them.

I hope she'll take me back.

I was going to talk to someone about this, but no, I have to do it.  I don't care if anyone else thinks I'm a moron for getting back together with her.  She's my life.  Without her, I'm not truly living.

Current Music:
Mad Season - Matchbox Twenty (Wow, that really fits)
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WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY THE HELL DID I DO THIS????

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Well, It happened.

And it's going to be hard.

I'm going to miss her so much.

I just had to know what it would be like without her.

We won't be talking.

It's over after February.

And don't pretend like none of you wanted me to do this.  You vultures, you brood of vipers, I probably wouldn't have done this if you hadn't planted the seeds of doubt in me.

Oh who the hell am I kidding?  Who the FUCK do I think I'm kidding?

This is all my fault.  I'm such a greedy bastard.

Dear God.

Why?

I really hope I haven't hurt her too much.

Current Music:
So Very Hard to Go - Tower of Power
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But since I celebrate Christmas, Merry Christmas!!!

I got from my parents:
A digital camera
Carrying case
memory card
battery charger

From my brother Chris:
"Loser" T-Shirt
America (The Book): Teacher's Edition

From my half-brother Rob:
Jamey Abersold Jazz "Volume 37: Sammy Nestico" music book
Music in High Places: Collective Soul Live in Morocco DVD
Collective Soul - Home: A Live Concert Recording with the Atlanta Symphony Youth Orchestra DVD

From my half-sister and brother-in-law
Picture from their wedding

From Krystle:
Tea mug
Chai tea
Chocolate covered graham cracker
Matching pen and mechanical pencil
And something I'm not telling you about.

Love you all, and I hope your Christmases were equally spectacular!

Current Mood:
chipper chipper
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Okay.  Someone please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks teaching kids partisanship is a bad thing.

I found this book on the internet.  It's called "Why Mommy is a Democrat"

It's full of partisan rhetoric and propaganda, explaining why the Democrats are the best people in the world.  Okay, it doesn't explain anything, it just says that Democrats are the best people in the world, basically.

Now I am not affiliated with any politcal party.  I am a moderate independent.  I realize that both major political parties suck.  As Robin Williams says in Man of the Year, I'm "Tired of the democratic party; tired of the republican party". 

Also, I would never force my political beliefs on anyone.  So doing that to kids is just sick.  Sick sick sick.

Check out the book yourself:

http://littledemocrats.net/

The ad that I saw said "The book George Bush doesn't want your kids to read!"

That's kinda funny.
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So yeah.

I'm at home.

Have been all day.

Haven't seen a single person since yesterday.

Only just started talking to people online for the first time in two days.

So I'm bored.

I'm lonely.

I'm sick.

But on the other hand, I watched some potter puppet pals, and got a new userpic!

I really need to turn on some music...

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I need her.

*headdesk*

I miss Krystle so much. She's on retreat, so I can't talk to her.

I kind of dislike how needy I've become.

"You're all I need
You're all I need
You're all I need
You're all I need"
-Needs
~Collective Soul

Current Music:
Needs - Collective Soul
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