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An Explanation for my behaviour during the last six months

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            I suppose I owe you all an explanation for the way I’ve been acting for the past half year.  I know I haven’t been always what I should have been, and I haven’t acted the way all of you would want.

            As you know, it all started just over six months ago, when I fell in love with and got in a relationship with someone I had never met who lived over two thousand miles away.  For the sake of privacy, I shall call her “Lily”, though if you know me, you know her real name.  Anyway, it was one of the most meaningful experiences of my life.  However, I just couldn’t handle the distance anymore, not without being able to see her, so we broke up.  One thing I will never say is that my relationship with Lily was a mistake.  I’ve never loved anyone more in my life.  But when you can’t take it anymore, it’s time to get out.

            Though our relationship was amazing and beautiful, it began to have a negative effect on me.  I began neglecting my schoolwork and, even worse, neglecting my friends.  I am not sure that I was as bad as many of you made me out to be, and I don’t believe that the way you all acted about my relationship had nothing to do with it, I can admit that I was not giving you the time and effort you all deserve.  And for that, I am sorry.

            As the relationship progressed, I began to go slightly insane.  As much as it pains me to say it, I started projecting Lily on all of you.  I began to touch my female friends more, and every time I would, I would wish with every ounce of my power that it was Lily I was touching, and not one of you.  I think that some of you realized this, as I received fewer and fewer hugs back, and most of the hugs I received were only one-armed hugs, the worst kind.

            This uncomfortable feeling I noticed my friends having had the worst effect on the girl that introduced Lily and I over the internet.  This girl, who I shall call “Meri”, was my best friend in the entire world before I got into the relationship.  She was like a sister to me.  However, Meri began talking to me less and less as time went on, and she seemed more and more uneasy around me.  One day, I just couldn’t take it anymore, and I sent her an angry email, telling her she was no longer my sister, no longer my friend.  To say the least, this was a rash, unprovoked gesture at a time in her life when what she needed was a friend who could help her through a tough moment.  I regret this most severely, and all the time I wish I could take it back.  Meri hardly talks to me anymore, and I think she doesn’t ever want to be my friend again.

            This relationship was anything but a mistake.  I do not for a moment regret loving Lily, and I don’t ever think I shall.  However, the way I acted through it cost me my best friend and the trust and ease of many others.  I apologize to you all.  I do hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

            And Meri?  If you can find it in your heart, let’s work things out.  We may not ever be as good of friends as we were, but at least we can be friends again.


Current Mood:
cold Regretting
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On August 8th, 2007 05:28 pm (UTC), (Anonymous) commented:
Don't worry about it.
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